If you are dispatched to a MVA after midnight and you don't find a drunk, keep looking cause someone is still missing.
Sometimes the truth is more amusing than fiction...
A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's
going to have her baby in the cab!"
The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out
to the cab, lifts the lady's dress, and begins
to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices
that there are several cabs, and he's in the
A nurse at the beginning of the shift places
her stethoscope on an elderly and slightly
deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," instructed the nurse.
"Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her
reporting to the rest of the family that he
had died of a "massive internal fart."
I was performing a complete physical,
including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart
and began, "Cover your right eye with your
hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly.
"Now your left." Again, a flawless read.
"Now both," I requested. There was silence
He couldn't even read the large E on the top
line. I turned and discovered that he had
done exactly what I had asked; he was
standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish
A nurses' aide was helping a patient into the
bathroom when the patient exclaimed," You're
not coming in here with me. This is a one-seater."
During a patient's two week follow-up
appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed his doctor that he was having
trouble with one of his medications.
"Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch."
The nurse told me to put on a
new one every six hours and now I'm running
out of places to put it!" The
doctor had him quickly undress and discovered
what he hoped he wouldn't
see....Yes, the man had over fifty patches on
his body! Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before
applying a new one.
While acquainting myself with a new elderly
patient, I asked, "How long have
you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why,
not for about twenty years -- when my husband
And of course, the best is saved for last....
A nurse caring for a woman from Kentucky
asked, "So how's your breakfast this morning?"
"It's very good, except for
the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem
to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. The nurse asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet
labeled "KY Jelly."
You've Been In EMS Too Long If
When SOB now means Shortness Of Breath, and not necessarily how you feel about a person.
When your spouse has his or her hands on you, and the reason is practicing Patient Assessment, and not passion.
When you're doing Ambulance duty, and go home, your own dog won't let you into the family house, because it no longer recognizes you.
When members of the opposite sex are on the same vehicle in various states of half-dress, and nobody notices enough to mention it, or be embarrassed.
When "latex" no longer immediately brings to mind safe sex, but the gloves you wear.
When family pets clear a path when they hear the tones go off, so they won't get mowed over, then greet you when you come home, forgiving you for doing just that.
When caffeine becomes a SEDATIVE.
When you shake a person's hand, and your first thought is "Great veins."
When a motionless and silent child is no longer a desired sight.
When you notice that your worst "Pre-EMS bad hair day" isn't even close to your very best "EMS hair day"...and neither you nor your partner mentions it or are embarrassed by it anymore.
You know the patient's medical history better than they do.
When starting your personal vehicle, you reach
for the "Battery On" switch
Stress Reduction Techniques:
When someone says & quote; Have a nice day"e;, tell them you have other plans.
While driving emergency status in the ambulance, tell your partner you're about to have a seizure.
During those late night staging times when your partner is catching a few ZZZZZ's in the passenger seat, slowly move your ambulance into a position right behind a parked semi-trailer, lay on the horn and scream "look out!" (A uniform change for your partner may be necessary.)
Start a nasty rumor at your station and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
Place an artificial blood capsule in your mouth
before approaching your "frequent" patient, then, as if nothing were wrong,
let the blood run out while you're asking him questions
Ten Rules of EMS:
1.Skin signs tell all
2.Sick people don't bitch
3.Air goes in and out, blood goes round and round, any variation on this is a bad thing.
4.About 70% of the battery patients more than likely deserved it.
5.The more equipment you see on a EMT's belt, the newer they are. The more patches someone has on their jacket, the fewer actual patients they have ever seen. If they have instructor rockers, they have NEVER seen a real patient.
6.When dealing with patients, supervisors, or citizens, if it felt good saying it, it was the wrong thing to say.
7.All bleeding stops....eventually.
8.All people will eventually die, no matter what you do
9.If the child is quiet, be scared.
10.Never trust (fill in the blank) to be fully stocked. If you don't have it improvise (improvisation is the mother of invention)
11.Probies always look for large things in the smallest compartments and vice versa
12.If the pt is going to vomit aim them on the person you like least
13.Sick people only call because they couldn't get into their car. They apologize for bothering you when you have sick people to see. Be scared when you see these people.
14.When a pregnant woman says "The baby is coming", you damn well better believe her.
15.When a patient says "I think I am going to die" he is probably right.
16.There are more than ten rules.
17. Oh yeah, and that dog that " never bites", really does
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